Paranoid

Is it normal to not want to exert ANY energy including, but not limited to, laundry, grocery shopping, walking the dog, watering the flowers, going to the mall...?

I feel like I have to be as still as possible. The more still I am, the better chance I have of embie latching on.

I lay in the bed. I read, watch reruns of favorite tv shows. I waste time on f.ace.book.

I rub on my belly quite often and pray for that little embryo in there to stick.

Then, every now and then, I allow myself to think negatively. I allow myself to 'what if'. What if this doesn't work? how will I react? how will I tell the people in my life who have been so supportive of us?

Ugh. I am so mad at myself for being like this. I have too much time on my hands perhaps. If school was in, I'd be too busy to think about it. Though, I'd also be worried my stress level would compromise things.

I guess that these thoughts and feelings are all part of this journey. The waiting, testing, probing, injecting, hoping, wishing, praying, crying. *sigh... I've read on some blogs before that even once an 'infertile' girl gets pregnant, it still takes months to get over the paranoia. Wow. It's a shame, you know? It's just hard to want something so much only to have to continue to pinch yourself to allow you to know that it's real. That the dream you dreamed, the prayer you prayed, came true.

Infertility is such a process. It's hard to explain to anyone who has never been through it. I was telling my MIL last week "at least we know specifically what to pray for". Over the course of the days/weeks we are praying injections work, that follicles are growing, the eggs are retrieved successfully, that eggs are fertilizing, that they are dividing. Then you pray you have at least one little embryo to transfer, then pray that the transfer is successful, then pray that the embie sticks.

And the praying doesn't end there. But that is just where we are right now.

Praying that little embie grabs on tight and is strong and healthy enough for a long 9 month ride in my belly.

Gosh, this wait is terrible and it's only been one day!!!

Transfer Day!

Here we are. The day we've been waiting for. Transfer Day. Here's how it all went down.

After a sleepless night and LOTS of water drinkin' this morning, we arrived right on time for our transfer this morning albeit Monday morning Atlanta commuter traffic! Woohoo! :)

We literally signed in and they called us back. The table was THE most comfortable operation table ever. Even the ultrasound gel was great. Warm...made it cozy... haha! The staff was fantastic. My doc is in Italy at a conference right now, so a collegue did the transfer. He was nice enough, but not near as cool as the ultrasound girl, the embryologist, and even the E.mory Univ. medical resident who was going to be observing his first embryo transfer. Everything was going soooo smooth.

Then the embryologist gave us the report. (you know i had NO specific idea how my embabies have been doing these past few days). So...today we had 4 excellent blasts. However, 1 was near perfect. So that's the one that was chosen to {fingers crossed!} become our first born child. We chose to freeze the other 3. Also, we have 5 more that are lagging a bit, so we may have more to freeze tomorrow.

So it was time to transfer. I put my foot in the stirrups, they raised the table, tilted it down, and the speculum went in. However, my bladder & uterus were not cooperating. Despite the 40+oz of water i had consumed, it still wasn't full enough to flatten out my uterus, which has a wicked crook in it. After many minutes of trying and bending the catheheter, etc, we had to stop and take a break. I had to drink more. My bladder had to be fuller. OMG. I didn't think I could drink anymore. A wave of panic washed over me and nausea was beginning to set in. I started to cry. "Why isn't it working? Is it going to work? Will we be able to do this today?"

They told me we were going to have to wait 10 minutes or so to see if all the water would move down to my bladder from my stomach. There just wasn't enough there yet. If it didn't fill in 10 minutes, I would have to get dressed and go back to the waiting room.

::insert panic and a few more tears here::

I sat up and scooted to the high end of the table. I sat as tall as I could. I took deep breaths. I rocked, crossed my ankles, and tried to massage my stomach-- anything to get this water down! I joked that I would get up and jog in place or do jumping jacks but finally it was filling. In the meantime, we got a lesson from the embryologist about the procedure and the catheters. Zach even got to peek in the lab and see him 'load' our embryo into the catheter!

After what felt like the longest 10 minutes of my life, it was time for round 2. Dr. S came back and started again. This time the speculum and the ultrasound wand really put the pressure on my bladder! I thought I was gonna pee on the table!!! (wonder if that has ever happened before?) Anyway, we watched on the monitor as the catheter slid right in, went directly to the perfect spot, and - poof - dropped our little embaby.

SUCCESS!!!

5 years ago...

june 25, five years ago, on a warm summer evening in a beautiful garden, i married my best friend. i married the man who makes me laugh & smile. the man who comforts & protects me. the man who encourages & supports me. the man who understands & motivates me. the man who is a wonderful husband. the man who will make a wonderful father.

in five years we have adopted our first baby- our furbaby we named sadie.

in five years we have moved 2 times.

in five years we have bought our first home.

in five years we have traveled to the Caribbean, Mexico, San Francisco, L.A., NYC, D.C., Breckenridge, Charleston, Asheville, and Chicago.

in five years zach has changed jobs and started his own business.

in five years we have spent every holiday with one or both of our families.

in five years we have learned to cook!

in five years we have enjoyed our life and planned for our future.

in five years we have talked about the day we would be ready to start a family.

after five years, the day has finally come...

our embryo transfer is at 9:30 am tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow will {prayerfully} be the day that we begin the next chapter of our life together as parents and we can't wait!

(which is why i'm up and posting on the blog at 3:15 am! I can't sleep!!! haha! )

1st Report

Ok, here's the breakdown of our 14 little eggies...

6 were icsi'd and all 6 fertilized

7 were done 'conventionally' and 4 fertilized

1 was immature so it was not used

So... we have 10 embabies!!!

Egg Count

Can't wait for the fert. report tomorrow afternoon! Ok, going back to bed now.... xoxo

Retrieval Eve

"I don't know what the future holds...but I know who holds the future."

I've been carrying this quote around with me since last summer after I had my lap and was so down and disappointed. It has carried me through the ups and downs of this year and will continue to carry me through the night tonight as I anxiously await tomorrows egg retrieval.

Praying for sweet dreams, a calm heart, and a successful retrieval tomorrow morning.

xoxo

Waiting ... UPDATE ~ Trigger Tonight!

Thanks you guys for helping me out with my question about good follicle size. I actually ended up having a follie scan and appt this morning and asked my ivf nurse too. Like A.E.'s, she said between 1.8-2.2. As of this morning, I have 19 measurable follicles; however, only 14 of them are good. The other 5 are 'filled'.

Here's where we are:

Right Ovary: 2.1, 1.7, 1.5, 1.4, 1.4, 1.3, 1.3

Left Ovary: 3.2, 2.8, 2.0, 1.9, 1.9, 1.7, 1.7

My ivf nurse said everything looked great and she was anxious to get my estra.diol number. She said I could go either way as far as triggering. She said I'm 7 & 7. 7 are already at ideal size and 7 more are very close. She said Dr. K may want me to do one more shot of lu.pron & foll.i.stim to get those little ones one more boost but on the other hand, he may say trigger tonight so I don't over stimulate and get sick.

So now I wait. I'm dying to know if we are triggering tonight!!! As soon as I find out, I'll update! Thanks again, ladies! It's so fun sharing this craziness with someone who understands all of this! Trust me- I NEVER in a million years thought the highlight of my day would be measuring follicles!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

UPDATE~ Got my estra.diol number: 2149 and.....We trigger TONIGHT!!!!! OMG! I'm freaking out! I actually cried for a minute after I hung up the phone. I mean, excited but kinda scared to death all at the same time. I suddenly feel like I have forgotten all I know about the ER and hoping Zach remembers how to concoct our little trigger shot medicine for our 8:00 pm shot tonight! YIKES!

Slowing Down

Hmmmm.... well things are progressing but I'm not sure what it all means...

I went to the dr this morning but my usual peeps weren't there (weekend staff instead) so I didn't feel as confident in asking questions...

Maybe you can help...

Today's numbers:

estra.diol 1669

Right Ovary: 6+ follies: 1.6, 1.5, 1.4, 1.3, 1.2, 1.0

Left Ovary: 9+ follies: 3.3, 2.5, 1.5, 1.4, 1.3, 1.3, 1.3, 1.2, 1.1

On that left ovary, the 3.3, 2.5, 1.5 are filled which I did ask what that means and she said it means no egg- fluid or perhaps an ovarian cyst instead...

The dr. dropped me down on my dosage. He wants to slow things down a bit so nothing gets too big. NO foll.i.stim tonight and only 100iu in the morning. I'm anxious to see what they say tomorrow! Maybe trigger tomorrow night???!?!!

So here are my questions for you ivf gals out there--

1. what's a 'good' estra.diol number for triggering?

2. how big do the follies get before triggering?

I'm just trying to get an idea of how much longer we've got! :)

They're Groooowing!!!

Ladies, thank you so much for checking on me and allowing me to vent. I sure needed that! The antibiotic is still making me feel yuck, but the good news I've been getting from the dr. has helped.

Since I've posted last I've started daily monitoring appts. They are going great (aside from having yet ANOTHER shot and that dang vag ultrasound)! The ultrasound girl i work with is really cool though and we talk and she tells me what she sees, etc...

On Monday, Day 4 of foll.i.stim and the first day of daily monitoring, she found 2 measurable follicles. One on each side. My estra.diol level also increased from 23 to 116! Dr. K said I could skip Tuesday's appt and keep at the same dose of foll.i.stim.

So today, Day 6, I went back. Are you ready for it.... I went from 2 to 7 follicles!!!!! WHOA! AND they are 'watching' 10 more!!! Yikes! Dr. K says I have 'over achievers' in there and that he is very pleased with how well my body is responding to the meds. oh, and my estradiol number has increased to 323.

Right Ovary: 1.0, 1.0, 1.1, 1.2, 1.3

Left Ovary: 1.0, 1,2

So... at the moment I have a tentative ER Monday or Tuesday and the ET Friday or Saturday!!! OMG! It's happening so fast! :)

Hello, My Name is "Whiny"

I am an emotional mess with a headache that won't go away. Is this normal? Perhaps a 'side effect' of all the meds?

I keep telling myself it is. And I tell Zach that too. Poor guy. He gets the brunt of it.

I just can't seem to help it. It's almost a depressed feeling. One that has no meaning behind it. I just cry easily and mope around. And eat too many peanut butter m&m's.

I've noticed bruising on my belly from my shots. I guess when you put 3 needles a day into your belly, you're bound to have some consequences! They are funny, in a weird way. B/c you can see my pattern of 'injections'. I have almost a complete straight line across my belly about 2 inches below my belly button. Perfect little round purple bruises.

And I'm not gonna lie. The shots are starting to hurt a bit. Kinda sore feeling too. Nothing that I can't handle, just uncomfortable for about 30 min after each shot.

My boobs are getting bigger too. I was hoping for smaller! My regular bras are snug around my chest and my sports bras aren't as 'can barely tell its there' comfortable either. And while I'm at it- I think my butt is getting bigger, spreading, something... I had read to expect weight gain, but man, I hoped to be an exception!

I'm sorry to complain and whine. That really wasn't my intention when I logged on. I was mostly going to ask if you ladies that have been on these meds have had the never-ending headaches and sudden moodiness. I seem to have come a long way from that!

"This to shall pass" and my daily visits to the dr start in the morning! Another daily needle and the awkwardness of daily vag ultrasounds. Oh, boy!

waiting...

I went in for the suppression check this morning. Had blood drawn for estra.diol level and had a vag ultrasound. I still have 'two juicy cysts' on my left ovary. They measure 3.6 and 2.8. I don't know how much they are going to interfere. It worries me.

Now I'm just waiting on the call to get the number from the estra.diol test. Less than 50 is great and we can proceed as planned. 50-100 is iffy. 100+ means more lu.pron and postpone starting foll.i.stim.

I REALLY don't want to postpone anything (of course).

Anyway, for now, I wait.

***** UPDATE *****

My estra.diol number/level/whatever is 23!!!!! YAY - Lu.pron did it's job and we can continue on from here! Foll.i.stim starts tomorrow! eek!!!

Update

Okaaaaayyy, well I started the 10cc's of Lu.pron this morning after much hesitation and anxious waiting. (oh, and my period is still here)

I set my alarm for 7:45 so I would be good and ready to make the dr. call at 8:00 when they open. I call immediately and the receptionist says neither of my nurses are available- can she take a message? Yes, please! I fill her in and she says she will have someone call me asap.

Exactly 55 minutes later, one of my nurses calls back.

"You're fine" she says. "Go ahead with the shot this morning. You have a suppression check Thursday, right?"she asks. "Yes, at 10:30-- Does me having a period mean we will have to cancel? That the lu.pron didn't do it's job last month?" I ask. She replies: "We will see Thursday @ the suppression check. For now, do the Lu.pron shots in the morning as scheduled."

Ladies, I gotta tell you. This does not ease my mind. I'm freaking out. I've been on the verge of tears ALL DAY. I 've tried to stay busy. Had lunch with a friend, took a short jaunt through a fav antique store with my MIL, and did some mall shopping with my mom... But I just can't shake the feeling that this cycle is going to be a bust. I know this is negative and I've tried SO HARD to stay positive through all of this.... but right now, my confidence bubble has popped.

Please keep all fingers and toes crossed for my Thursday appt. Apparently that will be the only thing that can calm me down now. {{thanks}}

trying not to freak out

Ok, so I woke up this morning with bad cramps. Like, pms cramps. I'm thinking "hmmm...wonder what it is... I am not supposed to be having a period with the lu.pron..must be indigestion from dinner."

2 hours later I get out of the shower to discover a thin line of bright red blood running down my inner thigh (sorry, tmi).

What. is. going. on?

I am not an 'official' ivf patient until Monday when I do my first shot so I don't have the weekend number of my fertility dr. I'm telling myself it's ok. That is just 'break through' bleeding. And that just like the last time I started Lu.pron I had to have a period first. I'm also telling myself it's just b/c it's my first month on it and maybe it's not totally in my system???

I'm just freaking out that when I go for my suppression check on Thursday they are going to tell me this month is a no-go b/c the lu.pron didn't suppress the endo enough (I mean, I'm having a light period!!!).

*sigh...I don't know what to think. Any suggestions or ideas? Did this happen to you on Lu.pron?

PS. I'm on cycle day 26...

Random Thoughts from My Day

1. an elementary school without children in it is just plain weird

2. amazing how much stuff kids can hide and lose under furniture

3. i am prepping my room for August like a crazy person b/c in my mind, i'm gonna start the new year in my first trimester and i won't want to be climbing up on furniture to hang stuff on walls

4. ivf meds start in less than a week!

5. i never joined the new gym. i should be exercising to counteract this lu.pron. ugh.

6. i haven't had any more 'baby dreams' since the one about a little baby girl in a green dress. this worries me a bit. but being as that the baby dream i did have was the only one i've ever had, maybe i shouldn't worry

7. i wish my little sadie girl wasn't so scared of rain, storms, and fireworks. this weekend and tonight have been a mess. poor pup has been under every bed in the house!

ok, all for now. gotta go make a reminder note for Z to pick up the ivf meds tomorrow!