Paranoid

Is it normal to not want to exert ANY energy including, but not limited to, laundry, grocery shopping, walking the dog, watering the flowers, going to the mall...?

I feel like I have to be as still as possible. The more still I am, the better chance I have of embie latching on.

I lay in the bed. I read, watch reruns of favorite tv shows. I waste time on f.ace.book.

I rub on my belly quite often and pray for that little embryo in there to stick.

Then, every now and then, I allow myself to think negatively. I allow myself to 'what if'. What if this doesn't work? how will I react? how will I tell the people in my life who have been so supportive of us?

Ugh. I am so mad at myself for being like this. I have too much time on my hands perhaps. If school was in, I'd be too busy to think about it. Though, I'd also be worried my stress level would compromise things.

I guess that these thoughts and feelings are all part of this journey. The waiting, testing, probing, injecting, hoping, wishing, praying, crying. *sigh... I've read on some blogs before that even once an 'infertile' girl gets pregnant, it still takes months to get over the paranoia. Wow. It's a shame, you know? It's just hard to want something so much only to have to continue to pinch yourself to allow you to know that it's real. That the dream you dreamed, the prayer you prayed, came true.

Infertility is such a process. It's hard to explain to anyone who has never been through it. I was telling my MIL last week "at least we know specifically what to pray for". Over the course of the days/weeks we are praying injections work, that follicles are growing, the eggs are retrieved successfully, that eggs are fertilizing, that they are dividing. Then you pray you have at least one little embryo to transfer, then pray that the transfer is successful, then pray that the embie sticks.

And the praying doesn't end there. But that is just where we are right now.

Praying that little embie grabs on tight and is strong and healthy enough for a long 9 month ride in my belly.

Gosh, this wait is terrible and it's only been one day!!!