Paranoid

Is it normal to not want to exert ANY energy including, but not limited to, laundry, grocery shopping, walking the dog, watering the flowers, going to the mall...?

I feel like I have to be as still as possible. The more still I am, the better chance I have of embie latching on.

I lay in the bed. I read, watch reruns of favorite tv shows. I waste time on f.ace.book.

I rub on my belly quite often and pray for that little embryo in there to stick.

Then, every now and then, I allow myself to think negatively. I allow myself to 'what if'. What if this doesn't work? how will I react? how will I tell the people in my life who have been so supportive of us?

Ugh. I am so mad at myself for being like this. I have too much time on my hands perhaps. If school was in, I'd be too busy to think about it. Though, I'd also be worried my stress level would compromise things.

I guess that these thoughts and feelings are all part of this journey. The waiting, testing, probing, injecting, hoping, wishing, praying, crying. *sigh... I've read on some blogs before that even once an 'infertile' girl gets pregnant, it still takes months to get over the paranoia. Wow. It's a shame, you know? It's just hard to want something so much only to have to continue to pinch yourself to allow you to know that it's real. That the dream you dreamed, the prayer you prayed, came true.

Infertility is such a process. It's hard to explain to anyone who has never been through it. I was telling my MIL last week "at least we know specifically what to pray for". Over the course of the days/weeks we are praying injections work, that follicles are growing, the eggs are retrieved successfully, that eggs are fertilizing, that they are dividing. Then you pray you have at least one little embryo to transfer, then pray that the transfer is successful, then pray that the embie sticks.

And the praying doesn't end there. But that is just where we are right now.

Praying that little embie grabs on tight and is strong and healthy enough for a long 9 month ride in my belly.

Gosh, this wait is terrible and it's only been one day!!!

Transfer Day!

Here we are. The day we've been waiting for. Transfer Day. Here's how it all went down.

After a sleepless night and LOTS of water drinkin' this morning, we arrived right on time for our transfer this morning albeit Monday morning Atlanta commuter traffic! Woohoo! :)

We literally signed in and they called us back. The table was THE most comfortable operation table ever. Even the ultrasound gel was great. Warm...made it cozy... haha! The staff was fantastic. My doc is in Italy at a conference right now, so a collegue did the transfer. He was nice enough, but not near as cool as the ultrasound girl, the embryologist, and even the E.mory Univ. medical resident who was going to be observing his first embryo transfer. Everything was going soooo smooth.

Then the embryologist gave us the report. (you know i had NO specific idea how my embabies have been doing these past few days). So...today we had 4 excellent blasts. However, 1 was near perfect. So that's the one that was chosen to {fingers crossed!} become our first born child. We chose to freeze the other 3. Also, we have 5 more that are lagging a bit, so we may have more to freeze tomorrow.

So it was time to transfer. I put my foot in the stirrups, they raised the table, tilted it down, and the speculum went in. However, my bladder & uterus were not cooperating. Despite the 40+oz of water i had consumed, it still wasn't full enough to flatten out my uterus, which has a wicked crook in it. After many minutes of trying and bending the catheheter, etc, we had to stop and take a break. I had to drink more. My bladder had to be fuller. OMG. I didn't think I could drink anymore. A wave of panic washed over me and nausea was beginning to set in. I started to cry. "Why isn't it working? Is it going to work? Will we be able to do this today?"

They told me we were going to have to wait 10 minutes or so to see if all the water would move down to my bladder from my stomach. There just wasn't enough there yet. If it didn't fill in 10 minutes, I would have to get dressed and go back to the waiting room.

::insert panic and a few more tears here::

I sat up and scooted to the high end of the table. I sat as tall as I could. I took deep breaths. I rocked, crossed my ankles, and tried to massage my stomach-- anything to get this water down! I joked that I would get up and jog in place or do jumping jacks but finally it was filling. In the meantime, we got a lesson from the embryologist about the procedure and the catheters. Zach even got to peek in the lab and see him 'load' our embryo into the catheter!

After what felt like the longest 10 minutes of my life, it was time for round 2. Dr. S came back and started again. This time the speculum and the ultrasound wand really put the pressure on my bladder! I thought I was gonna pee on the table!!! (wonder if that has ever happened before?) Anyway, we watched on the monitor as the catheter slid right in, went directly to the perfect spot, and - poof - dropped our little embaby.

SUCCESS!!!

Hello, My Name is "Whiny"

I am an emotional mess with a headache that won't go away. Is this normal? Perhaps a 'side effect' of all the meds?

I keep telling myself it is. And I tell Zach that too. Poor guy. He gets the brunt of it.

I just can't seem to help it. It's almost a depressed feeling. One that has no meaning behind it. I just cry easily and mope around. And eat too many peanut butter m&m's.

I've noticed bruising on my belly from my shots. I guess when you put 3 needles a day into your belly, you're bound to have some consequences! They are funny, in a weird way. B/c you can see my pattern of 'injections'. I have almost a complete straight line across my belly about 2 inches below my belly button. Perfect little round purple bruises.

And I'm not gonna lie. The shots are starting to hurt a bit. Kinda sore feeling too. Nothing that I can't handle, just uncomfortable for about 30 min after each shot.

My boobs are getting bigger too. I was hoping for smaller! My regular bras are snug around my chest and my sports bras aren't as 'can barely tell its there' comfortable either. And while I'm at it- I think my butt is getting bigger, spreading, something... I had read to expect weight gain, but man, I hoped to be an exception!

I'm sorry to complain and whine. That really wasn't my intention when I logged on. I was mostly going to ask if you ladies that have been on these meds have had the never-ending headaches and sudden moodiness. I seem to have come a long way from that!

"This to shall pass" and my daily visits to the dr start in the morning! Another daily needle and the awkwardness of daily vag ultrasounds. Oh, boy!