I think I need to let go

I am involved in a very vicious cycle of emotions.  It's eating me up.  

Check it out:

I have anxiety --- I stop taking anxiety meds 1+ years ago to get pregnant --- not getting pregnant  --- anxious about not getting pregnant  --- anxiety causes stress --- stress causes weight gain ---  gaining weight b/c I decided to focus on getting pregnant instead of my body --- body is going to hell --- depresses me --- i eat when I'm depressed --- I am depressed b/c I am fat and not pregnant --- so I eat more --- gain more weight --- which causes more anxiety --- which I can't help b/c I am off meds.

yeah.  fun times.  So it hit me yesterday that I chose the wrong thing to focus on.  I have been down on myself due to my weight since I got engaged.  I went up and down for a while then held steady at a weight I won't even type here.  That 'holding steady weight' was more than i wanted it to be, but I thought "hey- I'm going to just gain weight with a baby, I'll work my ass off later to lose it all".  

that was 1.5 years ago.  Since then I've gained another 15 lbs.  And still no baby.  See where this is heading???

I focused on the wrong thing.  I can not control when i get pregnant, but I can (could have) controlled my weight all this time.  But no, I let it go so I could get pregnant.  And we all see how that's going.

i am sad when i look in the mirror.  I hate getting dressed every day.  i am embarrassed when i sit down and my belly pooches out.  

you would think this would motivate me.  but no.  I'm an emotional eater, remember?  So guess what I do.  You got it-- I eat more.

And the cycle continues...

what a blah post.  sorry you had to read that.