Enjoying my vacay!

My mom and I did some shopping today. Well, we intended to do some RETURNING and I was really just along for the ride. But of COURSE I ended up shopping! I was feeling good, relaxed, happy. Ahhh...almost like my 'old' self!

Here is some of the stuff I bought---

Cute flannel nightgown at the Gap. How cute will it be with some grey leggings and some of those sweater sock/boot things!?!

Adorable grey/cream shift dress. All the sale stuff was an additional 40% off so I got this for $27!!! Love them both!

Next we were continued my search for euro shams and nightstand lamps (2 things I've been looking for forever!!!) Went into WestElm looking for lamps and came across these cool euro shams! I got 2 of the tan/sandlewood color. They are linen on the reverse side with cool wooden buttons. They look so great on our bed!

We had so much fun out today! It was brisk and not too trafficky and crowded at the stores. Ahhh... that's what I'm talking about! Yay for vacay!

Appt. Made

I have an appointment Wednesday morning. The day before Thanksgiving. I'm really excited. Somehow I feel better already just by taking the first step and scheduling the appointment. I can't wait to get all of my feelings off my chest and be on my way 'back' to feeling normal again!

PS. It helps tremendously that I am off all next week for Thanksgiving break! I can really concentrate on me! (how selfish am I!?!?) haha! but you know what I mean...

Infertility has ruined me

I am an emotional wreck. I don't feel like myself and I haven't since my LAP in June. Since finding out that I have a chronic disease that prevents me from getting pregnant. And brings me pain-- both physically and emotionally.

Infertility has taken away my hope. My spontinately. My sense of freedom. My passion. My positive attitude and outlook on life.

Instead I feel sad. depressed. lonely. I have headaches every day. I want to sleep all the time. I feel anxious and nervous.

I dread learning about my upcoming IVF stuff. Not because of the possibility of a baby, which of course I want. But because it's unknown. I'm unsure about the process, the schedule of medicines and injections. And mostly, I'm scared to even go through with it while feeling like this. But I'm more scared to wait. I'm scared that the longer I wait, the bigger the cyst will get, the harder it will be to get pregnant.

I know I need help. But I think I'm scared to ask for it. Scared to seek it out. Scared to find out what they will say.

I just don't know anymore...

Visit with a Wonderful Friend

I spent a couple of hours yesterday after school with one of my favorite mommies and her little girl Mollie. Mollie is an IUI blessing after 4 years of ttc. She is now 6 months old and full of spunk. I SO wish I had a picture of her to post! She is fair skinned with a head full of short, spiky, fine WHITE hair! Snow white hair and big blue eyes. Super cute.

When I got to their house yesterday she was happy as a clam in the kitchen sitting in her bumbo seat surrounded by various items including, but not limited to, a wooden spoon and a bread basket. She lit up when she saw me (yay!) and reached up for me to hold her right away. I peeled her out of the chair hugged her and bounced her and started the inevitable baby talk. :) She giggled and cooed and ate it up. I couldn't believe how much she has changed/grown up! She is sitting up on her own, she looks in the mirror and giggles at herself, she props herself up on all 4's and rocks back and forth like she is ready to take off crawling. And I'm sure there are other things, too, but wow. They change so quickly! My husband (he's a photographer) took pictures of her when she was a couple of weeks old and I was looking at them when I got home last night. The difference is UNBELIEVABLE!

Anyway, her mommy and I had a wonderful time catching up (she used to teach with me before she had Mollie). We enjoyed yummy hot chocolate and homemade apple turnovers (she always has the best snacks at her house!). We talked about school, our husbands, our mutual friends, the upcoming holidays, and a bit about my most recent panic attacks and anxiety ridden moments and I confided in her that I think a therapist visit might be in order. She, as always, was super supportive and she put my mind at ease and just plain 'took some of my stress away' by just letting me talk. It was funny how I didn't even know how much I needed to talk (especially with someone who knows exactly what I'm going through with the ttc/IF stuff). Her friendship is such a blessing to me and I hope that she knows that!

Wind in my hair

After no sleep last night and a long day with 20 kindergartners and 2 meetings, I got in the car to make my 45 minute drive home from school.

As I'm sitting in traffic just waiting to get ON the interstate, I begin to take notice of what's around me. The biggest thing? Clear and sunny skies that I didn't even notice until a big yellow leaf hit my windshield.

So I did as any fall lover would do: I opened the sunroof, rolled down the windows, and soaked it all in.

I didn't pay attention to the parking lot of cars, engines idling. I didn't pay attention to the smell of gasoline or the weird guy in the car in the next lane.

I just took a moment and took a deep breath. I thanked God for such a gorgeous day. For my wonderful husband, family, friends. For the medicine that is finally starting to take away this terrible sinus infection I've had for a week. For my future that only He holds.

As I (finally!!!) entered the interstate from the on-ramp, I was feeling better. I left just my window down and the sunroof open. I pulled my hair into a ponytail and cranked up the music. I flew down the interstate with the wind in my hair singing to my favorite compilation of 80's music all the way home.

And it felt great. Every day truly is a new day.

I shouldn't have...

I was going through today's mail and opened the PBK catalog while I was waiting for dinner to finish in the oven. As soon as I turned the front cover, I took one longingly glance at the first page (similar to the one above) and lost it. But I couldn't tear my eyes away. I knew I needed to close it and walk away. But I couldn't. I looked at the details on each stocking. At the names monogramed on top. I thought of the cute kids that would have a stocking hanging in their home by the end of the month.

And I couldn't stop crying.

I thought I would be able to pick out adorable stockings this year. I hoped I would be getting super excited and over-the-top creative for my baby's first christmas.

But another Christmas will go by with no baby in our arms.

Farmer's Market Finds

Made the mistake of heading to the Farmer's Market HUNGRY! Oh my gosh, I walked out of there with some yummy stuff: organic chocolate milk, Lorraine quiche, Mediterranean tortellini pasta salad, bacon & broccoli salad, strawberry & cream cheese croissants, 1/2 loaf of golden pecan bread, NY onion bagels, foccacia bread, and butternut squash ravioli. Seriously, yum.

Now you see I didn't really get anything 'healthy'! haha! All those fruits and veggies in that place and I got none of them!

But everytime I leave there, regardless of what's in my bag, I still feel 'healthier' and it makes me want to be better about only cooking and eating fresh & organic.

*sigh... one day!

I don't think I'm ready to give up my 'convenient frozen meals' yet!

How about you? Are you a fresh, organic eater? What kind of stuff do you buy at the Farmer's Market? (since apparently I need to branch out from the bread/pastry area!)