Appt. Made

I have an appointment Wednesday morning. The day before Thanksgiving. I'm really excited. Somehow I feel better already just by taking the first step and scheduling the appointment. I can't wait to get all of my feelings off my chest and be on my way 'back' to feeling normal again!

PS. It helps tremendously that I am off all next week for Thanksgiving break! I can really concentrate on me! (how selfish am I!?!?) haha! but you know what I mean...

Infertility has ruined me

I am an emotional wreck. I don't feel like myself and I haven't since my LAP in June. Since finding out that I have a chronic disease that prevents me from getting pregnant. And brings me pain-- both physically and emotionally.

Infertility has taken away my hope. My spontinately. My sense of freedom. My passion. My positive attitude and outlook on life.

Instead I feel sad. depressed. lonely. I have headaches every day. I want to sleep all the time. I feel anxious and nervous.

I dread learning about my upcoming IVF stuff. Not because of the possibility of a baby, which of course I want. But because it's unknown. I'm unsure about the process, the schedule of medicines and injections. And mostly, I'm scared to even go through with it while feeling like this. But I'm more scared to wait. I'm scared that the longer I wait, the bigger the cyst will get, the harder it will be to get pregnant.

I know I need help. But I think I'm scared to ask for it. Scared to seek it out. Scared to find out what they will say.

I just don't know anymore...

Visit with a Wonderful Friend

I spent a couple of hours yesterday after school with one of my favorite mommies and her little girl Mollie. Mollie is an IUI blessing after 4 years of ttc. She is now 6 months old and full of spunk. I SO wish I had a picture of her to post! She is fair skinned with a head full of short, spiky, fine WHITE hair! Snow white hair and big blue eyes. Super cute.

When I got to their house yesterday she was happy as a clam in the kitchen sitting in her bumbo seat surrounded by various items including, but not limited to, a wooden spoon and a bread basket. She lit up when she saw me (yay!) and reached up for me to hold her right away. I peeled her out of the chair hugged her and bounced her and started the inevitable baby talk. :) She giggled and cooed and ate it up. I couldn't believe how much she has changed/grown up! She is sitting up on her own, she looks in the mirror and giggles at herself, she props herself up on all 4's and rocks back and forth like she is ready to take off crawling. And I'm sure there are other things, too, but wow. They change so quickly! My husband (he's a photographer) took pictures of her when she was a couple of weeks old and I was looking at them when I got home last night. The difference is UNBELIEVABLE!

Anyway, her mommy and I had a wonderful time catching up (she used to teach with me before she had Mollie). We enjoyed yummy hot chocolate and homemade apple turnovers (she always has the best snacks at her house!). We talked about school, our husbands, our mutual friends, the upcoming holidays, and a bit about my most recent panic attacks and anxiety ridden moments and I confided in her that I think a therapist visit might be in order. She, as always, was super supportive and she put my mind at ease and just plain 'took some of my stress away' by just letting me talk. It was funny how I didn't even know how much I needed to talk (especially with someone who knows exactly what I'm going through with the ttc/IF stuff). Her friendship is such a blessing to me and I hope that she knows that!

Wind in my hair

After no sleep last night and a long day with 20 kindergartners and 2 meetings, I got in the car to make my 45 minute drive home from school.

As I'm sitting in traffic just waiting to get ON the interstate, I begin to take notice of what's around me. The biggest thing? Clear and sunny skies that I didn't even notice until a big yellow leaf hit my windshield.

So I did as any fall lover would do: I opened the sunroof, rolled down the windows, and soaked it all in.

I didn't pay attention to the parking lot of cars, engines idling. I didn't pay attention to the smell of gasoline or the weird guy in the car in the next lane.

I just took a moment and took a deep breath. I thanked God for such a gorgeous day. For my wonderful husband, family, friends. For the medicine that is finally starting to take away this terrible sinus infection I've had for a week. For my future that only He holds.

As I (finally!!!) entered the interstate from the on-ramp, I was feeling better. I left just my window down and the sunroof open. I pulled my hair into a ponytail and cranked up the music. I flew down the interstate with the wind in my hair singing to my favorite compilation of 80's music all the way home.

And it felt great. Every day truly is a new day.

I shouldn't have...

I was going through today's mail and opened the PBK catalog while I was waiting for dinner to finish in the oven. As soon as I turned the front cover, I took one longingly glance at the first page (similar to the one above) and lost it. But I couldn't tear my eyes away. I knew I needed to close it and walk away. But I couldn't. I looked at the details on each stocking. At the names monogramed on top. I thought of the cute kids that would have a stocking hanging in their home by the end of the month.

And I couldn't stop crying.

I thought I would be able to pick out adorable stockings this year. I hoped I would be getting super excited and over-the-top creative for my baby's first christmas.

But another Christmas will go by with no baby in our arms.

Farmer's Market Finds

Made the mistake of heading to the Farmer's Market HUNGRY! Oh my gosh, I walked out of there with some yummy stuff: organic chocolate milk, Lorraine quiche, Mediterranean tortellini pasta salad, bacon & broccoli salad, strawberry & cream cheese croissants, 1/2 loaf of golden pecan bread, NY onion bagels, foccacia bread, and butternut squash ravioli. Seriously, yum.

Now you see I didn't really get anything 'healthy'! haha! All those fruits and veggies in that place and I got none of them!

But everytime I leave there, regardless of what's in my bag, I still feel 'healthier' and it makes me want to be better about only cooking and eating fresh & organic.

*sigh... one day!

I don't think I'm ready to give up my 'convenient frozen meals' yet!

How about you? Are you a fresh, organic eater? What kind of stuff do you buy at the Farmer's Market? (since apparently I need to branch out from the bread/pastry area!)

Pumpkin Picking + sick + SYTYCD tour

A couple of weeks ago it was raining alot. Then it got nice and fall-ish. Now it's raining again. Oh well. I enjoyed the sun while it lasted! Dog walking, park, outdoor dining, etc...

As much as I heart fall, I didn't get out my 'fall home decor' this year. I have been so busy that it seems this month has just flown by! Anybody else feel that way? I did run some errands a week or so ago and was intrigued by this pumpkin selection at Whole Foods. I couldn't get over the different shapes, sizes, colors, textures, and just overall 'look' of the display. I can't say I've ever seen gourds that big! I had a tough time picking out pumpkins. I ended up with a cool sage green one and a neat peachy-orange and sage green one. They look really cool in the house. I also picked out some of those smaller ones there in the baskets to take to school with me. We had been doing the whole 'pumpkin theme' so it was great to pass out the pumpkins and gourds and talk about the differences and similarities. I had this one that was SO bumpy. It almost looked like it had big warts on it! It was actually pretty gross. The boys in my class thought it was great! The girls (and myself) didn't really want to touch it! haha!

I also got some sunflowers. I love fresh flowers. They make me happy. :) They have lasted a LONG time! They are still sitting in a vase on my tv console as I type. Actually, upon second glance, they are looking a bit rough, but still-- it's been almost 2 weeks so that's a long time I think! I may need to run over there and get some more! Oh, and they had some seriously cool japanese lantern sprigs. I have some fake ones from pier one but these real ones were super cool. I didn't buy them though. They were expensive!

So after my errand running and some shopping and some reading of my book club book I geared myself up for my class field trip to the farm and pumpkin patch and tried to make a list of things I wanted to accomplish during my 3 day fall break. Well the rain continued and my field trip was

rescheduled, but I did have a pretty impressive list made and I got lots of it done during the break! yay!

Of course, on the first day of my break I woke up with a sore throat. Of course. Every teacher knows you only seem to get sick (or you especially get sick) during your vacation time! AGH! By Tuesday I took myself to the doctor. A Z-pack later, I was feeling better. Still bad sinus headaches, though. yuck.

But no cold would stop me from battling the Atlanta traffic to make it up to the So You Think You Can D.ance Tour Show! My sister, mom, and other friends are addicted to the show. I watch it every summer and was so excited that Jeannine won and that the top 10 were going to be on tour and were coming to Atlanta! And perfect timing (minus the cold) since I was out for break! The show was really fun. It was so neat to watch the performances right there in front of you. The set, the lights, the music, the costumes! Whoa! So cool! We had a fun group and we enjoyed it all! Great night!

So now I'm back to work and it's been busy as usual. We took our rescheduled Farm field trip yesterday (it was COLD!) and we have honor's day, our school fall festival, and, to top it all off, it's Red Ribbon Week! Whew!