Moving on

I haven't been blogging because I've had a rough last few weeks. The bcps really did a number on me. I have been an emotional wreck. Major depression. Mild (and one major) panic attacks. Not wanting to eat or leave the house. Talk with friends. Or even my husband for that matter. I just wanted to sleep or watch tv. Just be alone. I've cried. Prayed. Felt hopeless and helpless. All while trying to appear, at least, to have myself together.

Well the 6 weeks of bcp's are finally over and AF arrived yesterday. I went in this morning for blood work and a transvag ultrasound to see if the bcps did their job and shrank my cyst. With fingers crossed, I was told that the cyst was, in fact, still there. And it had barely changed in size. It went from a 3.8 to a 3.7. Not near enough change. IUI is out of the picture.

Deep down I think I knew this would be the result. I had been surprised when I got the call that they wanted to try the clomid/IUI cycle in the first place. But man, it had given me such hope.

So now I'm on a new waiting game. IVF is now our only option. So the money saving begins. We are aiming for January/Feb. In the meantime, I need to be on either bcp's or lupron to keep that cyst at bay while we wait for the new year. I'll find out tomorrow what that plan of action will be. I'm hoping for bcps. Just NOT the ones I was just on!!! I just want to feel 'normal' for a few months before the craziness begins again. The calendars and schedules and medicines and injections and appointments and waiting. I want to enjoy Fall (my fav season) and enjoy my husband and my puppy and the holidays. So I can start the new year (and our new IF adventure) rested and with a renewed spirit...

Catching Up (work, reading, dr news)

Oops! It's been over a week since I've posted! Work is so crazy right now that I simply come home, eat, shower, and sleep! It's pitiful! I am up to 27 students in my room--- but help is on the way! A teacher transferred over today and is getting her room ready. 6 of my kids will move to her room soon. The letters went home to their parents today...kinda nervous about how they will take the news!

Aside from work, I spent much of the weekend finishing The Time Travelers Wife. wow. That's all I'll say for now (I know many of you are reading it!). My book club is meeting up tomorrow for a chat and then we're going to see the movie together! Can't wait to see what made it into the movie...

In ttc news, I'm on week 3 of birth control. I feel pretty yucky. And my 'girls' are HARD AS ROCKS and SORE!!! ugh. This is especially uncomfortable sleeping as I am a stomach sleeper. :( Anyway, I am supposed to skip the 'white pills' next week and go straight to a new pack/month of pills Friday night. However the pharmacy won't fill the prescription this early. And since teachers don't have time to pee during the day much less sit on hold for doctors and pharmacies, I've got Zach on the job. His mission is to get me my bcp by Friday afternoon. Poor guy!

While I'm a little apprehensive to mention this (b/c it still doesn't 'feel' right), I got a call last week from the Dr. K's office telling me that after my 6 weeks of bcp's are over Dr. K wants me to come in for a clomid check!!! He says he doesn't think the cyst was that bad especially considering I had just ovulated a couple of days before the procedure was done. He wants to try clomid / IUI !!!!! I'm like, really??? I thought you wanted to see how bcp's did on the cyst and so forth. I guess it seems too good to be true so I am finding a negative--for some reason. So, ladies, this means I'll be doing the infamous 'clomid challenge' and IUI in the next month or so!!! CRAZY!

I have TONS of questions about clomid and the IUI, but that will have to be for another day/post. I'm sleepy!

RE Appointment

To put it simply, we had a wonderful experience with the RE yesterday.  We walked into a beautifully decorated office and were greeted by a warm, caring staff.  After doing the usual blood pressure and weight and stuff, we were escorted to Dr. K's office.  He greeted us with a kind smile and we immediately started talking.  He had read over my records and I showed my photos from the surgery.  He thought that my doctor had done well with my surgery and that her decision with my left ovary and such was a good idea--he would have done the same thing.

After a quick exam he was happy to report that my left ovary is healing great from the surgery. Still a big larger than the right one, but he was happy to find that is was shrinking and that it was not attached to anything.  He said that the Science of our situation is that my hormones are good, my egg reserve is good, Zach's semen is good.  The endometriosis is the only problem.  Not blocked tubes or anything like that.  He feels that my tubes were never blocked, they were just constricted.  He said that the endo is the only reason why we are not getting pregnant.  Zach asked about trying on our own.  He said the chances are slim b/c of the severity and proximity of the endo.  He said I have a chemical problem.  The endo causes problems with the egg and sperm uniting and sometimes even with ovulation and the egg dropping.  He said that he understood why my doctor wants to do the Lupron-- b/c there is still endo in my body that she could not get.  and that it would supress that endo.  but he also said that while the Lupron would do just that, it would also come back strong as ever the month after the medicine was out of my system, thus creating a short timeline for us to try to get pregnant on our own before the endo started causing problems again.  He also said that the Lupron would be doing the exact opposite of what Zach and I wanted-- it would put our baby dreams farther away.  He said the "cure" for endo is pregnancy. He said a 9 month full term pregnancy followed by breast feeding would be the best thing that could happen to my body.  And that for many women (25% of his patients are there b/c of endo) the pregnancy made the endo practically go away.  He said immediately after I stop breast feeding I will have to go on birth control pills to keep the growth of the endo down.  Then we found out our plan.

Our Plan:
1.  Zach gets another semen analysis done (Dr.K likes to have 2 normal readings--long explanation / story to type)

2.  I get an ultrasound done between days 7-10 of my August cycle.  He will be looking to see if there are any polyps or endometriomas IN my uterus or ovaries.

3a.  If there are NOT any polyps or endometriomas (or if they are very small) we will proceed with one round of Clomid and an IUI (artificial insemination)-- this is what he is hoping for. He says it's the least invasive, most cost effective, and easiest way to get pregnant

3b.  If there are polyps or endometriomas, then we will move straight to IVF (in January for insurance reasons).  In the meantime I will have to go on birth control pills or 3 months of Lupron to keep the endo at bay while we wait.


So, in the end, he said that while IUI would be his preferred way to go (for many reasons), we are excellent candidates for IVF due to our health and age and so forth.  He said that he will be able to get us pregnant and as soon as I have that ultrasound next month we'll be able to pick a route and get started.  He wrote me a prescription for prenatal vitamins (EEEEEK!!! :) ) b/c he likes for them to be in my body working and for me to be in the habit of taking them and then he walked us down to Julie for us to check out.  We shook his hand and thanked him for his time (we were there 2 hours).  He gave us a smile and 2 thumbs up and he was off.  With the nurse we went over the timeline for having Zach's test done and I got the directions for how to schedule my ultrasound and we were all done.

I walked out of there on cloud 9.  I had been so nervous and stressed and scared of the unknown and had been immediately comforted by Dr. K and his nurses upon meeting them.  They seemed to really care about us and about our dreams of a baby.  We both felt very comfortable and confident in Dr. K and we are excited about the events to come.  Zach later told me that he had been watching me during our meeting and that he could just see the stress melt off of me, that he could see my old self come back through. That my color was returning to normal and that my eyes and face looked happy again.  Words can't express how much that meant to me and what Zach means to me.  He has been so wonderful through all of this-- he is such a blessing to me.