Bad Medicine

My appt last week was hard for me. Hard to let it all out, try to 'explain' in a way that makes sense, etc... She did a lot of listening. I did a lot of crying. But I walked out of there an hour later feeling a bit lighter. And proud that I did something. I also walked out with a prescription for Zo.loft. She felt I needed something 'preventative' and she said that with the ivf in the near-ish future she thought it to be the best medicine since many ob's say it's okay to take while pregnant.

With the holiday I did not fill the prescription until Friday. I took my first dose Friday night (25mg). I woke up Saturday very sluggish and yuck. I figured it was the medicine-I had been told to expect some side effects like nausea, dizziness, etc. I felt better by the afternoon. Same thing Sunday. However Monday was when it all went downhill.

My alarm went off Monday morning at 5:30. I laid in bed for 30 minutes trying to calm my nerves. Why was i even 'nervous' feeling? I couldn't figure it out but I couldn't get my stomach to relax. I got up at 6:00 b/c quite frankly I didn't have a choice. I have a 45 min commute and I have to be there at 7:15. Anyway, I walked a bit wobbly to the bathroom and began to feel lightheaded. I dropped to the floor and the panic attack started. The wave of hot-cold washed over me and I felt all color drain from my face. The cold sweat came next but i was burning up. I stripped and used my nightgown to wipe my face as I tried not to vomit. I couldn't stop shaking and kept telling myself to take deep breaths. It was awful. About 15 minutes later I managed to calm myself down and got up to get my husband. Talking with him I started to feel a little better and I got dressed and left for work. He talked to me the whole way there. 2 times I thought I was going to have to pull over and be sick, but I made it. I thought that being there would help= take my mind off of it and my nervous stomach would subside. It didn't until 1:00 or so. Somehow I made it through the day.

Tuesday started about the same way but without the full on panic attack. I kept dry-heaving and told Zach he had to call in sick for me. I couldn't make the drive. I took half a xan.ax and slept most of the day. I felt yucky all day. I called the dr. and they said it must be too much of a dosage so they called me in a smaller one. That night I took 12.5 mg.

Wednesday started the same. Mornings are the worst. I woke up and immediately got the shakes and nervous stomach thing again. I took half a xan.ax and tried to go back to sleep till it passed, but I couldn't. So I took the other half and called my mom. She came over around lunchtime and I lost it. I cried like I don't think I've ever cried before. I was sobbing. Hysterical. She called my principal and told him I would need to stay out the rest of the week. I continued to cry. I remember saying that I didn't want to be this person. I didn't want to feel like this. I just wanted to die. This freaked her out, to say the least. The doctor was the next phone call. Then my mom made me get dressed and go for a walk. That helped. The doctor called back and said that the reactions I was having were NOT normal and she wanted to see me immediately. My mom got me cozy on the couch with the 'Twilight' movie and the distraction was helpful. I went for another walk and then crawled in the bed upstairs where I camped out the rest of the night watching reruns of 'Ghost Whisperer'. By bedtime I felt a little queasy again, but talked myself out of anything bad happening.

My appointment was today. I woke up the usual way, spent 20 minutes on the bathroom floor, downed a whole xan.ax, very slowly took a shower, threw on some sweatpants, and had zach drive me to the appointment. I couldn't do it alone. I even brought a trash can with me in the car, along with saltine crackers and a bottle of water, because I knew that I would get sick on the way (which I didn't). Walking out of the parking deck into the hospital I started to cry again. Zach hugged me and said it was all going to be okay and that there was nothing scary or bad happening and in we went. She saw me immediately. I explained the reactions. She said she has never had anyone have this bad of a reaction. She said that the medicine did not cause the panic attacks, etc, but that my mind did. That I basically phsyced myself out about the side effects and worked myself up. She asked if I was sure it was the medicine and not just that I was sick or had been around anyone sick. I said no way. Last week I was fine: shopping trips, thanksgiving, etc. I had been fine. She said I obviously couldn't take the medicine and that we would have to try something else but that she felt it necessary to let this get totally out of my system first. (uh, yeah). I told her I think I would like to start something new as soon as I get out of school for my winter break. It is 2 weeks long so I would have plenty of time to get adjusted to medicine without missing work. She agreed. I also told her that Zach and I talked and we are going to postpone the IVF until I am better. I can't go through the baby stuff until I can handle day-to-day life. It would be fair to me, him, or a baby.

I can't believe this week happened. Today is my birthday, by the way. I'm 31 today. What a way to spend it...

Please pray that each day will bring me closer to my 'non-zo.loft' self. I can't miss anymore work and I can't keep feeling like this. And if you read all of this, bless you. I needed to get it all out and didn't realize how long that would make it!