???

Faint (and I mean faint) blood... implantation bleeding or should I be concerned?

ugh, every little thing I freak out about!

I carry the laundry basket- oh no! is it too heavy?

I got a pedicure yesterday and had the massage chair on - oh no! is it jiggling things around too much?

I ran errands for about 3 hours yesterday - oh no! was I on my feet too long?

I ate shrimp for dinner - on no! am I allowed to eat shrimp?

Whew, ladies! I told ya I was paranoid! And I'm a worrier and over-thinker. It's a blessing and a curse! :)

Paranoid

Is it normal to not want to exert ANY energy including, but not limited to, laundry, grocery shopping, walking the dog, watering the flowers, going to the mall...?

I feel like I have to be as still as possible. The more still I am, the better chance I have of embie latching on.

I lay in the bed. I read, watch reruns of favorite tv shows. I waste time on f.ace.book.

I rub on my belly quite often and pray for that little embryo in there to stick.

Then, every now and then, I allow myself to think negatively. I allow myself to 'what if'. What if this doesn't work? how will I react? how will I tell the people in my life who have been so supportive of us?

Ugh. I am so mad at myself for being like this. I have too much time on my hands perhaps. If school was in, I'd be too busy to think about it. Though, I'd also be worried my stress level would compromise things.

I guess that these thoughts and feelings are all part of this journey. The waiting, testing, probing, injecting, hoping, wishing, praying, crying. *sigh... I've read on some blogs before that even once an 'infertile' girl gets pregnant, it still takes months to get over the paranoia. Wow. It's a shame, you know? It's just hard to want something so much only to have to continue to pinch yourself to allow you to know that it's real. That the dream you dreamed, the prayer you prayed, came true.

Infertility is such a process. It's hard to explain to anyone who has never been through it. I was telling my MIL last week "at least we know specifically what to pray for". Over the course of the days/weeks we are praying injections work, that follicles are growing, the eggs are retrieved successfully, that eggs are fertilizing, that they are dividing. Then you pray you have at least one little embryo to transfer, then pray that the transfer is successful, then pray that the embie sticks.

And the praying doesn't end there. But that is just where we are right now.

Praying that little embie grabs on tight and is strong and healthy enough for a long 9 month ride in my belly.

Gosh, this wait is terrible and it's only been one day!!!

Transfer Day!

Here we are. The day we've been waiting for. Transfer Day. Here's how it all went down.

After a sleepless night and LOTS of water drinkin' this morning, we arrived right on time for our transfer this morning albeit Monday morning Atlanta commuter traffic! Woohoo! :)

We literally signed in and they called us back. The table was THE most comfortable operation table ever. Even the ultrasound gel was great. Warm...made it cozy... haha! The staff was fantastic. My doc is in Italy at a conference right now, so a collegue did the transfer. He was nice enough, but not near as cool as the ultrasound girl, the embryologist, and even the E.mory Univ. medical resident who was going to be observing his first embryo transfer. Everything was going soooo smooth.

Then the embryologist gave us the report. (you know i had NO specific idea how my embabies have been doing these past few days). So...today we had 4 excellent blasts. However, 1 was near perfect. So that's the one that was chosen to {fingers crossed!} become our first born child. We chose to freeze the other 3. Also, we have 5 more that are lagging a bit, so we may have more to freeze tomorrow.

So it was time to transfer. I put my foot in the stirrups, they raised the table, tilted it down, and the speculum went in. However, my bladder & uterus were not cooperating. Despite the 40+oz of water i had consumed, it still wasn't full enough to flatten out my uterus, which has a wicked crook in it. After many minutes of trying and bending the catheheter, etc, we had to stop and take a break. I had to drink more. My bladder had to be fuller. OMG. I didn't think I could drink anymore. A wave of panic washed over me and nausea was beginning to set in. I started to cry. "Why isn't it working? Is it going to work? Will we be able to do this today?"

They told me we were going to have to wait 10 minutes or so to see if all the water would move down to my bladder from my stomach. There just wasn't enough there yet. If it didn't fill in 10 minutes, I would have to get dressed and go back to the waiting room.

::insert panic and a few more tears here::

I sat up and scooted to the high end of the table. I sat as tall as I could. I took deep breaths. I rocked, crossed my ankles, and tried to massage my stomach-- anything to get this water down! I joked that I would get up and jog in place or do jumping jacks but finally it was filling. In the meantime, we got a lesson from the embryologist about the procedure and the catheters. Zach even got to peek in the lab and see him 'load' our embryo into the catheter!

After what felt like the longest 10 minutes of my life, it was time for round 2. Dr. S came back and started again. This time the speculum and the ultrasound wand really put the pressure on my bladder! I thought I was gonna pee on the table!!! (wonder if that has ever happened before?) Anyway, we watched on the monitor as the catheter slid right in, went directly to the perfect spot, and - poof - dropped our little embaby.

SUCCESS!!!

5 years ago...

june 25, five years ago, on a warm summer evening in a beautiful garden, i married my best friend. i married the man who makes me laugh & smile. the man who comforts & protects me. the man who encourages & supports me. the man who understands & motivates me. the man who is a wonderful husband. the man who will make a wonderful father.

in five years we have adopted our first baby- our furbaby we named sadie.

in five years we have moved 2 times.

in five years we have bought our first home.

in five years we have traveled to the Caribbean, Mexico, San Francisco, L.A., NYC, D.C., Breckenridge, Charleston, Asheville, and Chicago.

in five years zach has changed jobs and started his own business.

in five years we have spent every holiday with one or both of our families.

in five years we have learned to cook!

in five years we have enjoyed our life and planned for our future.

in five years we have talked about the day we would be ready to start a family.

after five years, the day has finally come...

our embryo transfer is at 9:30 am tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow will {prayerfully} be the day that we begin the next chapter of our life together as parents and we can't wait!

(which is why i'm up and posting on the blog at 3:15 am! I can't sleep!!! haha! )

1st Report

Ok, here's the breakdown of our 14 little eggies...

6 were icsi'd and all 6 fertilized

7 were done 'conventionally' and 4 fertilized

1 was immature so it was not used

So... we have 10 embabies!!!

Egg Count

Can't wait for the fert. report tomorrow afternoon! Ok, going back to bed now.... xoxo

Retrieval Eve

"I don't know what the future holds...but I know who holds the future."

I've been carrying this quote around with me since last summer after I had my lap and was so down and disappointed. It has carried me through the ups and downs of this year and will continue to carry me through the night tonight as I anxiously await tomorrows egg retrieval.

Praying for sweet dreams, a calm heart, and a successful retrieval tomorrow morning.

xoxo