Z went with me. We got there early. We timed my tylenol just right. And we waited. And waited. 45 minutes later, they call us.
They take us into the exam room. There is a HUGE table there and lots of xray equipment. She tells us to have a seat and she proceeds to ask what I assume are routine questions. Then she proceeds to explain the entire process for us. Tells us exactly what is about to happen. (which i find comforting and a bit disconcerting at the same time).
She sends me off to undress and sends Z out of the room so they can prep me. This hurts, but not as bad as I expected. Thank goodness. Z comes in and holds my hand. And we watch the screen and wait for the dye to do it's thing.
We see it fill my uterus. After some tilting of my hips we see it fill the tubes. And then we see it stop. On both sides.
The doctor pushes more cc's of dye. No luck. The blockages are not budging. My tubes are filling up to the tips but not 'spilling'. There is no sign of spilling at all. I don't panic yet. Afterall, maybe I'm seeing it wrong. I didn't do as much research as I should have. Maybe I don't know exactly what it should look like.
After lots of clicking from the big machine and more cramping, the catheter comes out and I'm told to redress. I eavesdrop and hear the doctor tell Z that something didn't look as good as he had hoped. I begin to panic. I come back in for one more xray, now that the dye can begin to drain, and then we're done. 15 minutes. tops.
The doctor comes back and asks me if I have ever had any pelvic infections. Um, no?... Then he begins to explain to me what he saw from the test. I tell him I'm new to this and ask what it should have looked like. He tells us to follow him and he takes us to the room where all my charts are up on the xray light thingy. He then tells me about the charts-- talks me through them. He tells me that I have a tilted uterus and possibly a polyp. Then he points out 'my parts'. He starts at my uterus and shows the path the dye takes to the tubes. Then he shows me how they both just stop. Dead end. He says they don't 'spill' into the abdominal cavity like they should. He gets up and grabs one of his medical books and shows me what it should have looked like. Yep, mine don't look like that at all.
I am panicking on the inside and I am feeling tears start to come, but I hold them back and try to focus on what he is saying. Something about infection, blockage, polyp, endo, and a scope. All I'm thinking is "tubes blocked. egg and sperm can't meet. can't get pregnant".
We thank him for his patience and time and we leave. I make it out the door to the hallway and lose it. Seriously. Z had to hold me up and lead me out to the parking lot. The sunlight hit me like a slap in the face. Reality. This IS really happening. To me. Get a grip and focus.
I just don't know what to say. "Shocked" doesn't even quite cover it. Like I said, I hadn't planned on the test showing anything abnormal at all. Never even considered it really. Not even when the lab tech was telling me about all of the possible outcomes.
The tears have stopped and I call my mother. She is, of course, very supportive and says [paraphrased] 'at least now you know what the problem is. Now you know that there was NOTHING you could have done all these months to get pregnant. Now you know that there is a medical reason and that the doctors will find a medical solution.'
And she is right. It makes me kind of mad at myself for not getting this done sooner and letting the fear of the test overrule the importance of having it done. And it makes me sad that I have spent 15 months crying and being disappointed the day AF arrived. I didn't have a chance. There was never any possible way I could have gotten pregnant. The things I analyzed over: my weight, my diet, my stress level, my cycle, my 'o' days, my temp... NONE of those things had anything to do with why month after month I was disappointed.
*sigh...
So now we wait. We wait until Wednesday to get a call from my doctor to tell me what she thinks we need to do next. In the meantime, I am driving myself crazy trying to 'self diagnose' on the internet! I just want to know what happens next. Where will we be going from here?
